Monday, April 15, 2013

Because when you feel like updating your facebook status 50 times in one day, you should probably blog instead.

That has totally been me today. I don't know if it's the new phone that makes me want to do it, I'm pretty sure that isn't it. I think it is really the fact that we are leaving on a trip soon. That I'm going to be away from my boys for 2.5 weeks. That my husband and I are both starting to freak out a little bit that we are going to die while on said trip. Because I'm pretty sure we are both thinking about if we should be cancelling the trip, but neither of us wants to say those words. Because we've been waiting to go on this trip for 6 years. Because I don't want to cancel it because I am stubborn, and I feel like it is our elusive cursed trip that we will never go on, and we are gonna go dang it, we're going! And this is probably the only time that will work for us to go on this trip until our kids are grown and out of the house. Because it's our honeymoon, finally!
But regardless, I've had a lot on my mind.
I'm very overwhelmed by the thought of getting the boys packed to go to my parents house. I'm overwhelmed by getting myself packed- still can't find those power converters that I'm pretty sure my dad gave me years ago, and I can't find my money belt either. But I do have outfits picked out and coordinated and hanging in my closet, complete with accessories and everything, even the shoes are hanging out below the clothes. I've been buying the little stuff I need-toiletries, etc. I've been tossing things into a suitcase that I'm going to need or bring. I've been making lists. Lots of lists: what to bring, what to do buy, what to pack for me, what I need to send with the boys to my moms house. Mostly just need diapers, wipes, shampoo, conditioner, and detergent. But I'm sure I'm going to forget things. I still should buy a snorkeling mask, but I've waited so long, I can try to look at reviews and hope I find a mask that's good, but I'm going to have to get it at a store here in town, and what if I get to Malta, put the mask on and find out it leaks? That's sure gonna suck. I'm an overpacker, and its hard for me to just pack what will fit in a backpack that is carry-on size. (we are probably bringing an empty suitcase for souvenirs though, but I don't want to carry around a loaded down suitcase while we are being tourists) Just some major nerves going on right now, and Steve is working all week, so I can't even just vent/ramble all my concerns to him. (hence this post) Just super nervous, for the trip, for my boys, for leaving them. The longest I have been away from Desi is about 6 hours. Never even overnight, and I'm going to be away for 2.5 weeks, I think I'm having some separation anxiety!
Another big thing on my mind is do we meet my mom halfway to drop off the boys, or do we drive them up all the way, get Desi settled in, spend the night, and then leave to drive back here the next day? I've been going back and forth repeatedly, meet half way, go all the way there... Desi had a doctors appointment today and I asked the Dr her opinion. She thinks it would be better for us to take him all the way and introduce him to a new place and new people (he's met my parents several times, but is also only a year and a half old, so he doesn't really have a good memory yet). So that is what we are going to do. I think. I just feel nervous about everything, am I making the right decision? Are my boys going to have a hard time? Really Simon will be fine, is Desi going to have a hard time? Are they going to feel abandoned? Are they going to hate me when we come back because we left them for so long? This is a long time to leave kids, should we have brought them with us instead? So many questions, so many things to doubt my judgment and Steve's judgment. Are we being good parents? I've always believed it's good for parents to go on trips without their kids, and we went to Belize without Simon I never felt like this. Why is this trip so different? I really worry we are making the wrong choice and that something tragic is going to happen, either to us, or to our kids.
I'm kind of scared to be on a plane for such a long time. What the heck am I going to do for 12 hours? I'm pretty sure I'm going to just be crying for a few of those hours. I've cried the last few nights putting my boys to bed. I've wanted to do nothing but hold them and cuddle them non-stop. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears any second. Before we go I'm going to record myself singing the boys songs at bedtime, and maybe reading a couple of stories too, but I haven't been able to do it yet because emotionally I can't do it without crying. I want them to have something while we are gone though to help them feel some semblance of a normal routine like we have here at home. But I'm still scared we are going to die- why do I have this fear? is premonition or paranoia? I really want to record the songs for the boys, but there is a part of me that says, oh my goodness, what if you die, and that is all your boys have left of you? just you singing the songs to them to put them to bed? I'm going to write them letters too, just in case. If I can bring myself to do it. I just can't imagine my life without them, and I can't imagine their lives without me and Steve. I'm crying as I type this, I wish I could calm my fears, and my mind, and my heart. If you are reading this before May 7, and especially before April 21, please pray for us. Pray that we will know if we are making the right decision, and if this will be a good thing, or even just a not bad thing. We are having a will made on Wednesday, planning for the worst. Things have discussed with family members, things that most of the family knows anyways, but putting it on paper, so it can be official.
I still feel like this whole trip is surreal, it's the trip that will never happen despite how badly we want to go, despite having plane tickets, and living arrangements. I hadn't started packing yet last time, I was about to start looking for my swimsuit (it was in January and I had just moved) but I hadn't started to pack yet, when we got the news that the financial aid had been dispersed, all our money gone, but we still had tickets, and we had just gotten married, why not go for a honeymoon instead? Nope, no honeymoon, no trip. Prayers are answered, trips are canceled, airlines are striking, and tickets are completely refunded. But this time, I want to go so badly, we've been planning it for months, we have our reservations, our hotels, flights, things to do planned out. I started to try to learn Italian for the Sicily portion, but just wasn't feeling it, there's still been this part of me that doubts if we will actually make it this time, if we'll actually go. I haven't even really looked up what to do, what to see, I mean I have a little bit, but not that much. And I should be looking up tons of information, but I haven't.
So anyways, this is the big thing weighing on me. Have you left your kids for a long period of time? Or even a short one? Did you feel incredibly guilty? How did you cope with it? Did you cope or was it just horrible? Were you able to accept the fact that your kids are with people who love them and are having a really fun time? Were you freaking out that something would happen either to you or your kids while you are away from each other? How did you deal? Any advice, thoughts, opinions, or words of comfort would be very much appreciated. Even if you think we are stupid for going on this trip, I'm sure whatever you have to say, I've already thought, but I still want to hear it, especially the positive stuff. Thanks for sticking with me through my emotional post!


dacjohns said...

I understand your concern. Remember the boys will be loved with the people they will be staying with. :)
There are times when you need time together. We have left you and your sisters several times over the years. It was good for all of us in my opinion. And I was concerned about leaving you for so long. Especially when I went to Korea for three weeks.
I still think it would be safest if we meet you in Wells. I am concern about you and Steve being too tired to drive all the way here and then back home again the next day. As far as I know, Malta is a safe place. So as long as you don't go to a place at night that is in an unsafe area, you should be fine. Stay in areas where there are lots of people.
I love you and will be praying for you. The time will go by quickly. And if I have problems with Desi I am sure his Vovo will come to my aid and watch the boys. But I don't think it will be a problem. People do this all the time. :)

kaycei said...

Kare Bear. I love you. I won't pretend to understand what you are going through, but I can imagine what you are going through. And I imagine that it is painful and scary. I love you and I wish I could help you right now.

Regardless of what happens, the boys will be loved and taken care of. You are not a bad mom for taking a trip. You deserve this trip. You and Steve both.

MellyB said...

You are going to have a blast! but doesn't the three week trip to Belize count as your honey moon? I can't wait to hear your stories when you come back. I still think you are totally crazy for leaving your babes for so long, but I know they will have an awesome time with your parents and sister. Bonding time for sure! have fun!!

MellyB said...

I just re read that comment while fully awake and it sounds snarky which was not my intention at all. I know the boys will be fine and get some awesome grammy and grampy time. And you won't die. I'm ninety nine percent sure. because then you wouldn't get to have your girl and set the universe in motion for me to have mine.