Monday, April 15, 2013

Updates on us (started out as part of the other post from today, but it was a little long, so I split it up)

In other news, Desi is a little over 18 months now. He is 15% for weight, 45% for height, 75% for head. Guess all the food he is eating is going to straight to his brain, because I just saw the paper from his 6 month checkup while I was digging through the closet trying to find those power converters and he was 50% across the board for everything. He is sure a crazy little kid. Doesn't speak much English yet, but has his own language and he talks a ton. He loves rough and tumble play, loves tackling, flying through the air, tickling, and zerbets/raspberries/flubbers whatever you want to call them. He adores his older brother and loves to copy him, and he loves water. He can and often does spend an hour in the bath. He is almost weaned, and will be completely weaned by this coming Friday or Saturday (maybe sooner, he nursed Friday morning, and then not again until Monday morning even though he still wants to a lot more often than that). Desi also has the cutest smile and laugh I have ever seen, he thinks he is soo funny and runs a round the house screaming and laughing quite often.  He is also the king of mischief (he has learned how to get a cup and get water from the fridge door) and tantrums!


Simon is as sweet ever, is the best story teller I have ever heard (kid or not), has an unhealthy love for video games (especially the lego games- lord of the rings, star wars, indiana jones, pirates of the carribean, but only has the full star wars games the rest are all demos), gets outeaten by his little brother, adores our neighbor Brentt who is 12, and thinks he is much older than 4 (I swear the boy acts like a teenager). He gets frustrated playing with kids that are younger than him (especially if they name call or hit), is very social and is comfortable asking people for help, talking to kids at the park, and even asking store employees where to find things. We recently quickly put an end to a bad habit he learned of lying, and if he goes 30 days without lying he gets a bunny... I think he has not lied since we started that, and I think we are on day 8. He is a pretty calm boy, loves books, legos, and forts, and playing the above mentioned lego games in real life, whether make-believe or with his Legos. He also loves baths, preschool with his Vovo, and being my helper (he will help me cook, water plants, clean, wash dishes, vacuum, etc.) and he also likes to things on his own, and has an incredibly attention span and stay focused on one thing for hours if he wants. Steve and I have tried really hard to foster his independence and teach him that he is capable of doing things on his own, and it is really paying off. Right now he is in the bathtub and just got the shampoo so he can wash his hair by himself, he doesn't want me to help. He also can get himself breakfast, and get drinks for himself, which has been especially nice especially with breastfeeding Desi because he nurses/nursed almost nonstop for about 2 hours in the morning when he wakes up, which makes it difficult to get Simon breakfast in a timely manner. He really is something else, and because of Simon I have unrealistically high expectations of other kids behavior because what I thought was normal behavior because it's what he did, really isn't normal.

I recently came across a website called The Orange Rhino, and because of it had a realization that I really need to stop yelling. I don't yell a whole ton, but still a lot more than I would like to, and any amount of yelling is not okay, and my boys deserve better than that. In theory I am going to try to go a whole year without yelling, but I'm just taking it one day at a time, and just trying to make it through each day. I have messed up a few times and totally lost it, but I'm trying, I'm making a very conscious effort, and I feel like I'm doing a good job. Having kids has made me realize that I'm not nearly as patient as I once thought I was, and I realize more and more that I'm a lot more like my dad than I thought. (I knew we had lots of things in common- as far as interests- especially outdoors and photography, but I have a lot of his personality traits too). I am really enjoying being a mom, feel like I have a good thing going, love our house, have finally got to decorate a few things that I've been dying to do since we moved in (mirror and table in the entryway), and have big plans for the family room (plans Steve played a huge part in coming with- such as painting the brick colored cave yellow which I initially fought, but am now all for), and feel like I have a good grasp of cleaning and keeping up with most of the housework (laundry will forever elude me, and dishes I'm always a little behind) but I vacuum almost every day (stupid dog hair)!
(Not a lot of pictures of me, and most of the ones of me or decorating were on Steve's phone that died)

I have a hard time updating for Steve- I feel like he should be able to edit or tell me to add things he wants, so I'll be brief. Steve works a ton and is still working nights and probably will work nights until he becomes a nurse practitioner. He is almost always tired, and converts to a "normal people" scheduler on his days off so he can spend time with us. He works hard to provide for us and in return I work hard to provide for him. His job is incredibly stressful so I try to make his days off good for him. He loves going hiking, especially now that the weather is warming up, and loves having friends over on his days off for dinner, good company, and video games. He is an incredible man, and puts up with a lot, and I'm grateful to have him in my life forever.

Because when you feel like updating your facebook status 50 times in one day, you should probably blog instead.

That has totally been me today. I don't know if it's the new phone that makes me want to do it, I'm pretty sure that isn't it. I think it is really the fact that we are leaving on a trip soon. That I'm going to be away from my boys for 2.5 weeks. That my husband and I are both starting to freak out a little bit that we are going to die while on said trip. Because I'm pretty sure we are both thinking about if we should be cancelling the trip, but neither of us wants to say those words. Because we've been waiting to go on this trip for 6 years. Because I don't want to cancel it because I am stubborn, and I feel like it is our elusive cursed trip that we will never go on, and we are gonna go dang it, we're going! And this is probably the only time that will work for us to go on this trip until our kids are grown and out of the house. Because it's our honeymoon, finally!
But regardless, I've had a lot on my mind.
I'm very overwhelmed by the thought of getting the boys packed to go to my parents house. I'm overwhelmed by getting myself packed- still can't find those power converters that I'm pretty sure my dad gave me years ago, and I can't find my money belt either. But I do have outfits picked out and coordinated and hanging in my closet, complete with accessories and everything, even the shoes are hanging out below the clothes. I've been buying the little stuff I need-toiletries, etc. I've been tossing things into a suitcase that I'm going to need or bring. I've been making lists. Lots of lists: what to bring, what to do buy, what to pack for me, what I need to send with the boys to my moms house. Mostly just need diapers, wipes, shampoo, conditioner, and detergent. But I'm sure I'm going to forget things. I still should buy a snorkeling mask, but I've waited so long, I can try to look at reviews and hope I find a mask that's good, but I'm going to have to get it at a store here in town, and what if I get to Malta, put the mask on and find out it leaks? That's sure gonna suck. I'm an overpacker, and its hard for me to just pack what will fit in a backpack that is carry-on size. (we are probably bringing an empty suitcase for souvenirs though, but I don't want to carry around a loaded down suitcase while we are being tourists) Just some major nerves going on right now, and Steve is working all week, so I can't even just vent/ramble all my concerns to him. (hence this post) Just super nervous, for the trip, for my boys, for leaving them. The longest I have been away from Desi is about 6 hours. Never even overnight, and I'm going to be away for 2.5 weeks, I think I'm having some separation anxiety!
Another big thing on my mind is do we meet my mom halfway to drop off the boys, or do we drive them up all the way, get Desi settled in, spend the night, and then leave to drive back here the next day? I've been going back and forth repeatedly, meet half way, go all the way there... Desi had a doctors appointment today and I asked the Dr her opinion. She thinks it would be better for us to take him all the way and introduce him to a new place and new people (he's met my parents several times, but is also only a year and a half old, so he doesn't really have a good memory yet). So that is what we are going to do. I think. I just feel nervous about everything, am I making the right decision? Are my boys going to have a hard time? Really Simon will be fine, is Desi going to have a hard time? Are they going to feel abandoned? Are they going to hate me when we come back because we left them for so long? This is a long time to leave kids, should we have brought them with us instead? So many questions, so many things to doubt my judgment and Steve's judgment. Are we being good parents? I've always believed it's good for parents to go on trips without their kids, and we went to Belize without Simon I never felt like this. Why is this trip so different? I really worry we are making the wrong choice and that something tragic is going to happen, either to us, or to our kids.
I'm kind of scared to be on a plane for such a long time. What the heck am I going to do for 12 hours? I'm pretty sure I'm going to just be crying for a few of those hours. I've cried the last few nights putting my boys to bed. I've wanted to do nothing but hold them and cuddle them non-stop. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears any second. Before we go I'm going to record myself singing the boys songs at bedtime, and maybe reading a couple of stories too, but I haven't been able to do it yet because emotionally I can't do it without crying. I want them to have something while we are gone though to help them feel some semblance of a normal routine like we have here at home. But I'm still scared we are going to die- why do I have this fear? is premonition or paranoia? I really want to record the songs for the boys, but there is a part of me that says, oh my goodness, what if you die, and that is all your boys have left of you? just you singing the songs to them to put them to bed? I'm going to write them letters too, just in case. If I can bring myself to do it. I just can't imagine my life without them, and I can't imagine their lives without me and Steve. I'm crying as I type this, I wish I could calm my fears, and my mind, and my heart. If you are reading this before May 7, and especially before April 21, please pray for us. Pray that we will know if we are making the right decision, and if this will be a good thing, or even just a not bad thing. We are having a will made on Wednesday, planning for the worst. Things have discussed with family members, things that most of the family knows anyways, but putting it on paper, so it can be official.
I still feel like this whole trip is surreal, it's the trip that will never happen despite how badly we want to go, despite having plane tickets, and living arrangements. I hadn't started packing yet last time, I was about to start looking for my swimsuit (it was in January and I had just moved) but I hadn't started to pack yet, when we got the news that the financial aid had been dispersed, all our money gone, but we still had tickets, and we had just gotten married, why not go for a honeymoon instead? Nope, no honeymoon, no trip. Prayers are answered, trips are canceled, airlines are striking, and tickets are completely refunded. But this time, I want to go so badly, we've been planning it for months, we have our reservations, our hotels, flights, things to do planned out. I started to try to learn Italian for the Sicily portion, but just wasn't feeling it, there's still been this part of me that doubts if we will actually make it this time, if we'll actually go. I haven't even really looked up what to do, what to see, I mean I have a little bit, but not that much. And I should be looking up tons of information, but I haven't.
So anyways, this is the big thing weighing on me. Have you left your kids for a long period of time? Or even a short one? Did you feel incredibly guilty? How did you cope with it? Did you cope or was it just horrible? Were you able to accept the fact that your kids are with people who love them and are having a really fun time? Were you freaking out that something would happen either to you or your kids while you are away from each other? How did you deal? Any advice, thoughts, opinions, or words of comfort would be very much appreciated. Even if you think we are stupid for going on this trip, I'm sure whatever you have to say, I've already thought, but I still want to hear it, especially the positive stuff. Thanks for sticking with me through my emotional post!